This blog is something I really want to do, and yet it is already feeling like an enormous challenge. The subject matter is intense, raw, real, and naturally it will bring up strong emotions at times. I think when I first began this blog, I didn’t take into account the level of controversiality. These topics are not easy.
And yet, I do know that they are extremely important to talk about.
We live in a society where it can be difficult to discuss these kinds of issues. We like to avoid talking about mental and emotional health. I’m not entirely sure why, but I guess it could be any number of reasons. Maybe we like to avoid it because it reminds us of our own negative emotions, or it takes away from our own happiness. Maybe it reminds us of our lack of control, of just how human we really are. We always like to have immediate solutions and answers, and sometimes when it comes to mental health, the answers are lost on us or the challenge is just too much.
It feels daunting and impossible to fix something so abstract, because there is no how-to manual on healing ourselves from emotional pain. There is science, but only to a point, because even psychiatry does not hold all of the answers for each individual person. A lot of it is up to us, we must be willing to search for answers and they aren’t always sitting neatly packaged in convenient places. It is hard work.
It is a fight for emotional health, and even the conversation itself feels like a fight at times, one that is going against the grain and against the societal expectations that we hold around mental health, and sharing our stories of mental illness and recovery. I want to be a part of this fight, because the silence is beginning to seem like a form of imprisonment, trapping us inside of ourselves, and inside of a bigger picture of society, an “ideal” picture, one that doesn’t work for everyone.
It is scary to talk about these topics, and I feel afraid of a lot of things. Speaking up brings with it a fear of rejection, shame, embarrassment, and guilt. I have doubts about this blog constantly, afraid that maybe I’m wrong, and maybe these issues are best left in the dark. Or maybe I desperately want them to be brought to the light but I’m not the right person for the job. I feel qualms about discussing my own personal issues in such a public way, and I fear criticism.
But I’m now realizing how insignificant these feelings, doubts and fears are compared to the bigger issues. If I can encourage even one single person to reach out for help instead of suffering in silence, then any embarrassment that I feel will be erased in an instant. Suddenly my fears don’t matter so much. Suddenly my worries seem incalculably small in comparison. Suddenly it all feels worth it.
Sadness is just a game we play
like hopscotch or cards
the way we shake hands with our foes
the way the victory tastes
when I’m sad the way I am tonight
I imagine I have won a backwards battle
one where I cave in on myself
and let myself be
I feel myself shrinking and reversing
and it’s a crudely wonderful feeling
like the stars are shining in on themselves
reflecting the light and burning
brightly lit spots in a blanket of blue
setting fire to themselves and disappearing
sadness can be the most comforting feeling in the world
like every good feeling is gone
not because you pushed it all away
but because you were holding on so tightly
and you finally released your dry cracked knuckles
and let the world take hold of you
for one more day you feel something
maybe you cry, just a little, because
the tears are worth something
expressive and creative, creating pain
painting pain on a blank canvas
and watching it drip onto the carpet
at your feet
you feel free now
because everything is the way it is
supposed to be
everything is
momentarily settled.
⚓ navigating the sea of mental illness 
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