Anxiety And Fear Will Not Control Me

The strange thing about this blog is how afraid I am at times.

I feel reluctant to post because I am afraid that what I say will be boring, dumb, pointless, etc. Fear is a funny thing. It really is a psychological state and while it is useful for our survival, I feel like in this day and age fear has become more of an interference than an actual useful state of being. Fear can go hand in hand with anxiety, and I have been experiencing both very intensely for the past two days.

First off, yesterday I began the first class for my open water diver certification course. I had originally taken the discover scuba diving class and loved it, and felt zero anxiety so I figured it would be okay. But yesterday I panicked a few times. My tank was set to the pre-dive setting for the first 2 hours of class, which it wasn’t supposed to be, so I wasn’t able to get as much air as I needed, which likely contributed to my anxiety and chest pain. The other thing that happened was my tank’s o-ring burst underwater, something that apparently hasn’t happened to anybody at Langley Diving for 8 and a half years. Above water, yes, but not underwater. Basically what this meant was that, while there was definitely still air in my tank, I couldn’t breathe any of it in. I panicked and swam to the surface. After that I felt very anxious and was having issues with mastering the basic skills like flooding and clearing my mask while underwater. I decided to leave class early and told everyone that “scuba diving just isn’t my thing” and vowed to never go back.

But after thinking about it for some time afterwards, I came to a few conclusions. First of all, while I have experienced severe anxiety and panic attacks, it has never usually stopped me from doing anything. I am always able to push through. Yesterday the anxiety I felt was so bad that I felt it would be unwise to keep going, because the chances of me panicking and screwing up an important skill seemed a lot more likely. Then I decided that I should allow myself to do what I really want. So often I do things because I feel an obligation to do it. If I say I’m going to go to a party, I feel obligated to go, even if I don’t want to. I feel like it would be lame to do what I really want and just stay home and read like a granny. My point is (and I’m saying this in a very roundabout way) is that I think it’s important for people to trust their instincts and follow their own heart, not somebody else’s. Sometimes I don’t like my excessive level of commitment to things. Sometimes I would like to be less committed, and be able to say no to something, and to stop doing things just merely out of a sense of obligation.

But that being said, I thought about it even longer and came to yet another conclusion. Something that comes really easily, with hardly any effort at all, won’t be nearly as rewarding as something that requires hard work and perseverance. So I had a few equipment malfunctions right off the bat, while no one else in the class did. It was scary, but it’s also better preparation for the real word of diving where things can and do go wrong all the time. Hence, why we learn skills to help us in these situations. I am scared, but sometimes fear can be redirected in different ways. I don’t want to allow it to have power over me. Not so much the fear, which I have never had an issue with, but the anxiety, something I have been fighting with for a solid year now. The owner of Langley Diving told me that everyone learns at their own speed. Which I agree with, and I think is a great philosophy. So it might take me longer than I anticipated, but I don’t want to give up so easily.

When I was in high school I desperately wanted to sky dive, but every time I thought about it I felt sick and physically anxious. After 3 years of imagining myself do it, I finally went for it, and by this point I felt no fear whatsoever. I was calm. And it was the most wonderful experience I have ever had. Maybe scuba diving isn’t for me, but I don’t want to make that decision quite yet. I want to try again and I refuse to allow anxiety, or any other mental health issue, to put up any walls between me and the things I want to accomplish in my life. It is not in my personality to give up. I am determined to give it another go, and who knows what will come out of it. But at least I will know that I won another battle against anxiety. And if I try it again and still don’t like it, I can happily carry on with my other hobbies (skydiving, anyone?) and know that I am doing what is right for me, not what is right for anxiety or for anyone else. These conclusions I have come to are liberating. I feel like I am slowly lessening the grip that mental illness has over me.